Howdy Burgers,

Feel that crispness in the morning air? Starting to notice the quality of the sunlight taking on a golden hue? Fall is fast approaching, and that means the dreaded (or possibly anticipated if you’re a parent) school year has just begun.

Feeling unprepared? No need to worry Burgers, we have compiled a thoroughly researched and foolproof list describing the top 10 strategies you must employ in order cap the year with a #win.

First and foremost, you’ll have to gear up with plenty of back to school supplies:
10 – You’ll need a kick in the pants and plenty of helping hands on that first morning (sorry).

9 – These ergonomically designed jugs of Carlo Rossi ensure that you can smuggle the maximum amount of cheap wine into your backpack. Just remember, there will be no room for books and useless things of that nature.

8 – You might get arrested, but at least you will be bully proof for a good part of the year.

7 – You might need one of these.

6 – And then you’ll wise up and get some of these. I can’t be certain if this marketing strategy is depressing or refreshingly honest. Also, Magnums?

Now that your backpack is full of the essentials, you can focus on making a good impression on that first morning.

5 – You’ll want to come at the season full force in order to be remembered by the time the yearbook montage is made in May. If you can get one of these little badges of honor, you’re in good shape.

4 – If you forget to do your homework, consider this as a very viable option. True innovators don’t rely on nature for a snow day.

3 – Because teachers need a strategy too. What do you think inspires the lesson plan?

2 – This is a good timeline to follow. Don’t get ahead of yourself or fall behind. It’s pretentious to dress like it’s the first day of the year at the end of the semester.

1 – And finally, here is Nick Offerman with some invaluable insights on all that Summer reading you didn’t do. No need to worry about studying students, Nick has you covered. Say hello to the Dean’s List academic champions!


Well Burgers, that wraps it up. We have officially taken the guess work out of the 2013 school year. Go ahead, sigh with relief, it’s natural. All you have to do now is decide whether you want a ginsu or a fillet knife, and if you’re going to commit to red Carlo Rossi and have to deal with the dreaded wine tooth.

Enjoy the rest of the summer everyone,